Tech for the Timid

I DON’T actually need Google. My wife knows everything. Well no, she doesn’t, and of course I seek stuff online, but it makes a great music-hall-type comedian’s joke. If we…
AN Amazon vendor just gave me a stark ultimatum: take down my bad review, or lose the €209 they owed me. Would you? In these litigious times they could of…
I’M SHOWING my age, but a catchphrase in the classic Goon Show was often: ‘Have a gorilla’, and its stock response: ‘No thanks, I’ve just put one out.’ These days…
THE other day a friend invited me to fondle her new equipment. No, not that. She had bought a very fancy state-of-the-art laptop. And she simply got too much for…
FIVE years ago the EU fined Microsoft an eye-watering €561 million for doing a Harvey Weinstein with its browser: forcing itself on users whether they wanted it or not. Until…
OKAY I’ll finally own up. Guilty as charged of broadcasting without a licence m’lud. In mitigation you’d have to be just a few metres from my home to pick up…
CAN it be true that the jostling passenger who stole my phone on the packed 916 bus in Rome last month really was a Catholic priest? Of course I ignored…
A LARGE and hairy friend recently tried his luck with an online dating site. The first time they actually met he discovered that his soulmate lady-friend was an equally large…
THESE days the only reason some of us still have a landline phone is so we can find our mobiles by calling them. Remember when the phone was a black…
EAT your heart out Somalia: Spain has more pirates than you’ve had hot ransom demands. We learned courtesy of this fine newspaper a few weeks back that piracy (of the…
The week after next, Terence Kennedy will insist that Facebook deletes his digital indiscretions SOON the world’s digital overlords will apparently hold 40 zettabytes of information on us. No I…
AN IBM chairman uttered the IT industry’s most hopeless prediction ever in the 1940’s: ‘I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.’ Oops. Movie mogul Darryl Zanuck…
A WHILE ago my bank account was hacked. Why anyone would bother given that my balance is often lower than my IQ beats me, but that’s the way the galleta…
I MAY never understand why a hand is feminine in Spanish but a day is masculine, even though they end in ‘o’ and ‘a’ respectively. Nor in any case can…
AM I the only one to get a charge from juggling and relocating batteries religiously between devices until they really are very, very, very empty? By the time my throwaway…
REMEMBER when computers were huge chunky towers with noisy fans, colonising vast areas of our desktop or floor? Oh, how insensitive of me: yours still is. Forgive me if I’ve…
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