ZOOM AND BLOOM

As Britain finds itself in yet another lockdown, some parents may again find themselves taking on the role of teachers. However, even with remote help from real teachers, many may find the stay-at-home teaching model quite difficult – so here are a few tips.

Every day, you must remember to include teaching on maths, English, reading, phonics, handwriting, motor skills, some kind of topic, something promoting social and emotional health and some outdoor time. If you fail to do this, children will not learn.

Most children are not able to learn when another child is ‘looking at them’. Please prevent this from happening at any time. Remember, too, you are responsible for making sure children do not lose jumpers, gloves, shoes, socks, PE clothes, glasses and lunchboxes. It’s OK if they aren’t labelled as most children recognise their own and others’ belongings by smell alone.

If you are considering arranging a school trip, it’ll be enough to go into your garden, eat the packed lunch and return to the house. Most children are only really bothered about the lunch and will be happy once it’s been gobbled up, err, eaten.

Homeschooling or zooming? Well, one item of clothing that has become essential is the so-called “Zoom shirt”. This is the shirt or blouse that’s kept on the back of your chair to “quickly be presentable for video conferences”. A recent poll found that 42% of camera-ready home workers own one.

May I ask — do you ever feel very old, very tired and look, err, a bit wrinkled? Just asking for a friend. Well, here’s a tip: buy a ring light, and wear it behind your head when in video calls. Reportedly, it’ll enhance your saintly opinion of yourself. Sadly, though, you won’t have as many video calls as you used to…

But if you can’t be bothered with all that, all is not lost. Switch on your Zoom beauty setting (bottom left hand corner of your screen), pinch your cheeks, and sit well back.

Job done. Here to help!

Nora Johnson’s psychological crime thrillers ‘No Safe Place’, ‘Betrayal’, ‘The Girl in the Woods’, ‘The Girl in the Red Dress’, ‘No Way Back’, ‘Landscape of Lies’, ‘Retribution’, ‘Soul Stealer’, ‘The De Clerambault Code’ (www.nora-johnson.net) available online as eBook (€0.99;£0.99), Apple Books, paperback & audiobook.All profits to Costa del Sol Cudeca cancer charity