HOT on the heels of World Health Organisation reports that the UK’s the third fattest nation in Europe – fuelled by a diet of booze – we now have the head of Public Health England instructing middle-aged drinkers to aim at two booze-free days a week. Phew, whatever next!
Some see this as an example of the Nanny State at its most patronising and absurd. But I don’t agree. The Government spends a lot of taxpayers’ money formulating this guidance which is aimed at our very best interests. Of that I am in no doubt. That’s why I take every pronouncement most seriously and follow every bit of advice meticulously. Which I’m happy now to pass on to you…
Always ensure you eat six, or maybe seven…or is it eight… no wait…five pieces of fruit and vegetables each day. Don’t smoke, ever. Never use a ladder or other “dangerous” piece of equipment unless you’re accompanied by two others, one to hold it, the other to supervise.
Keep your coffee intake under two cups a day. Hang on… make that one cup, just to be totally safe. Visit government-funded health advice sites every day to keep tabs on the latest guidance, and follow it scrupulously.
Be extremely careful when making ‘jokes’. In all probability you will offend someone, and this could be dangerous both for you and society at large. If in doubt, seek advice from the government-sponsored website “It’s healthy to laugh, but not at others”.
Finally and back to the real world, it’s always wise, when idiotic advice like this latest example crops up, to remember the old joke about the man who asked his GP: “If I never drink, never smoke, remain on a diet and abstain from sex, will I live to be 100?” GP: “No, but it’ll feel like it”.
It was only recently I read somewhere that drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. But the logic of two ‘dry’ days a week is somehow compelling. Mine are mañana and the day after. What are yours?
Double G&T, anyone?
Nora Johnson’s psychological crime thrillers ‘The Girl in the Woods’, ‘The Girl in the Red Dress’, ‘No Way Back’, ‘Landscape of Lies’, ‘Retribution’, ‘Soul Stealer’, ‘The De Clerambault Code’ (www.nora-johnson.net) available from Amazon in paperback/eBook (€0.99;£0.99) and iBookstore.All profits to Costa del Sol Cudeca cancer charity.