FEELING fit, fabulous and fantastic? No, thought not. Feeling fat, broke and Brex-bewildered instead? Well, be grateful January is over!
January is the month for New Year’s resolutions, self-flagellation, weird diets, alcohol bans and shedding the excesses of the Christmas season currently hanging around your waistline. But spoiler alert: fad diets etc don’t work and will make you heavier in the long term.
After numerous years of intensive research and applied probabilistic and nutrition technology, I can exclusively reveal that the definitive solution to the combined issues of weight, shape, well-being and fitness is a non-complex combination of eating less and exercising more.
Can I please have a fat fee for this earth-shattering scoop?
Moreover, with its miracle weight-loss solutions and ongoing craze for juicing, superfoods and ‘clean eating,’ the nutrition world is a seemingly endless machine of Trump-like ‘post-truths’ and ‘alternative facts.’ Bogus claims about ‘chlorophyll oxygenating the body’ or ‘chocolate being an octave of sun energy’ aren’t just irritating, they’re dangerous; they supplant useful, evidence-based information. The public are being misled, and that upsets the many good nutritionists out there.
Ever helpful, though, just as Theresa May has her 12-point Brexit plan, here’s my own five-point Weight plan to gauge if you do have an, err, weight problem:
1. If your doctor has to call the zoo to use their weight scales to weigh you.
2. If emergency services have to cut out entire sections of walls in your home, in order to evacuate you to A&E.
3. If your bed comes equipped with a crane and pulley bars.
4. If your photo is being used as the ‘before’ image in the ‘before-and-after’ adverts for the latest miracle diet-o-rama.
5. If you’ve ever been asked to leave an ‘all you can eat’ buffet because quite simply you’ve terrified the restaurant staff and patrons who have never seen anyone gorge like that before.
Well, I’ve made my own belated resolution. For the rest of 2017, I won’t even look at any new diets. It’s remarkable. I feel better already.
Nora Johnson’s psychological/suspense crime thrillers ‘No Way Back,’ ‘Landscape of Lies,’ ‘Retribution,’ ‘Soul Stealer,’ ‘The De Clerambault Code’ (www.nora-johnson.com) available from Amazon in paperback/eBook (€0.99;£0.99) and iBookstore. All profits to Costa del Sol Cudeca cancer charity.