AT this time of year, air travel’s uppermost in many people’s minds. Not always a pleasant experience what with queuing, flight delays, screaming kids etc. Nonetheless, cabin crew do liven things up with the PA system – occasionally at the expense of passengers.
EasyJet’s stock eye-opener was: “Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to inform you that we have on board someone very special today. He’s an 89-year-old gentleman making his very first flight. So, on leaving the plane, would you please shake hands with your pilot.”
A Virgin flight attendant once announced: “It’s customary after a long-haul flight to ask for volunteers to clean the toilets. If you wish to volunteer, please stand up before the fasten seat-belt sign has been switched off.”
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And this during the safety briefing on the Canadian airline Westjet: “In the event of a sudden drop in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. If you are travelling with someone who needs help, put your own mask on first, then help your husband.”
BA passengers were also reportedly delighted with the following: “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard this British Airways flight to Denver. If your travel plans do not include visiting Denver, then now would be the perfect time to make yourself known to a member of the cabin crew.”
Maybe cabin crew having fun at our expense is their way of getting their own back for the daft questions they’re asked on board. Such as: “Where are the lines between countries?” – from those who’re convinced there are visible lines, like on a map. “When do I change the time on my watch or will it change itself as we go?”
“I don’t mean to scare you, but something out there has been following us for hours!” – pointing to the light on the wing. And: “Have we landed yet?”
But a recent survey of 3,000 Virgin Atlantic cabin crew threw up maybe the daftest yet: “Can you open the window?” “Can the pilot stop the turbulence?” “Where are the showers?”
Sure you can roll down the window. That minus-60 temperature will be so invigorating! Naturally, the pilot can stop the turbulence – he was only doing it on purpose. And the showers are right this way. Just open the door that says: “Do Not Open”…
Nora Johnson’s thrillers ‘Retribution’, ‘Soul Stealer’, ‘The De Clerambault Code’ (www.nora-johnson.com) available from Amazon in paperback/eBook (€0.89; £0.77) and iBookstore. Profits to Cudeca.
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