Keep the grunts in the bedroom and out of tennis


MARTINE NAVRATILOVA and Martina Hingis, two of the greatest female tennis players of all time, recently played each other in a televised exhibition match.

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Even with their advancing years and obviously deteriorating skills, they were a joy to watch. And even more importantly, not only were they thoroughly visually entertaining, they were also wonderfully refreshing to listen to.

There was not a grunt or scream between them!

I have always loved tennis, particularly Wimbledon, but with the banshee screaming and Neanderthal grunting that now accompanies many mantches, I’ll not be able to enjoy much of the action this year. Sharapova, a truly great and beautiful champion, should be particularly looked forward to, not only for her tennis skills but also because she could grace the pages of Vogue with ease.

Unfortunately she is the worst offender of all. I find myself willing her to lose, simply to get her embarrassing torturous vocal gymnastics away from the courts as soon as possible. At first all these sound effects were just about acceptable, almost a turn on in some orgasmic respects.
Now they are a total pain and I believe if the authorities don’t do something to deter the habit it could well ruin the whole game.

What is needed is a gruntometer. As soon as the vocal renderings reach a certain number of decibels, the offender should be deducted a point. When the players begin to realise their nonsensical noises could lose them a game, they’ll soon quieten down.
In their defence, the players say it allows them to get more power into the shots. Oddly, as a friend pointed out, many would think it would actually reduce power by acting as a form of release valve, thereby losing suppressed energy.

All I know is that it is killing the game for me. What is even worse it’s contagious. Down at our local club the kids are all practicing their individual grunts; it’s almost like a status symbol! For heaven’s sake give us all a break and leave the orgasmic vocals back in the bedroom where they belong.

I see Labour admitted this week that they got their immigration numerical anticipations wrong. They now say they didn’t anticipate the vast amounts of immigrants that would want to come to the UK.

Why didn’t they? I did!

To this old pop singing hack, it was perfectly obvious vast numbers from struggling homelands would seize the opportunity to cash in and reside in one of the most civilized and at the time, financially stable and generous countries in the world.
In the light of this, when you consider my limited credentials and compare them with those of the people who run our lives, I’d say we should all be afraid. Very afraid.

Keep the faith.

Love Leapy.


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