Probe into mystery German sailor, Stefan Ramin’s death

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PAPEETE, SOUTH PACIFIC – German round the world yachtsman Stefan Ramin, 40, departed on a hike with a local guide, after docking his yacht at the Island of Papeete with his girlfriend Heike Dorsch, 37.

Stefan’s guide, known as Henri Haiti, returned alone, telling Heike her boyfriend had been in an accident to lure her into the jungle and allegedly tried to rape her.

After an extensive police search, human remains thought to be Stefan’s were found at a camp fire. This has led to widespread tabloid ‘cannibalism’ reports suggesting Henri Haiti chopped up Stefan, cooked and ate him. Police since dismissed claims Stefan was eaten by cannibals

The remains have been sent to Paris, as the Islands are part of the French oversees territory.

Police said “amongst the ashes were some human remains and a smell of burned meat, torn clothing was scattered, it will take several weeks before the DNA tests are conclusive.”

MICHIGAN, US – If you had the choice, would you live with your sister, or sleep rough? I suppose if your sister is Madonna the notoriously difficult lady with dubious talent according to critics, then sleeping under a bridge may not be that bad.

Anthony Ciccone, 55, the elder brother of the multimillionaire Madonna, lost his job working on the father’s vineyard more than a year ago, since then has been living under a bridge in Traverse City (Michigan). 

TAINAN, TAIWAN – Thirty-year-old Pan (the name the police have given) has taken revenge on her husband for having an affair with another woman.

After her 29-year-old husband fell into a drug induced coma, Pan cut his penis off with a pair of scissors, then threw what she was holding in the local river.

Pan, from Vietnam, has been charged with assault, “she managed to remove half her Taiwanese husband’s penis” said the police.

“Pan was not sorry for what she did, we searched the river, but could not find the piece she had removed. She could get a 12 year sentence” the policeman continued.

As for her husband, he will have to live with his shortcomings.

BARBACOAS, COLOMBIA – The ladies of Barbacoas have ended a three and a half month sex strike. The women had been complaining for ages about the bad condition of the roads, and that their menfolk had not been doing enough to get the problem solved. Hence no love making!

But it did the trick, now new tarmac has been laid, and the women have returned to their ‘duties’. One of the women said “our strike was successful, first the road got laid, then us”.

MUMBAI, INDIA – The first ATM to dispense diamonds, gold, and silver coins has been opened in Phoenix Mills a shopping mall in central Mumbai. Sanjeev Agarwal CEO of the Gitanjali group said “we had a substantial number of customers on the first day, we are now planning to open another 75 ATMS in other shopping malls.”

The machine offers a range of 36 products, from 10 gram coins to diamond studded pendants. Sanjeev continued “we are tapping into the Indian people’s love for jewels and precious metals.”

While you are reading this, I will be on the Queen Elizabeth cruise ship, as a guest speaker heading to the Holy Lands, I will be sending you reports from my palatial state room, life is tough?

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