The ages of man, great truths and other stuff Shakespeare somehow missed

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Shakespeare got it all wrong! There aren’t Seven Ages of Man. Just four. And they go something like this:

The four ages of man:

(1) You believe in Santa Claus.
(2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
(3) You are Santa Claus.
(4) You look like Santa Claus.

Shakespeare, you’ll recall, was also always keen to show off his knowledge of human psychology so it’s a bit surprising, isn’t it, he didn’t include some of these basic facts of life:

Great truths that little children have learnt:

(1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t train cats.
(2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
(3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. Parents always punish the second person.
(4) Never ask your two-year old brother to hold any soft fruit.
(5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
(6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
(7) Never hold a DustBuster and a cat at the same time.
(8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

 

Great truths that adults have learnt:

(1) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
(2) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
(3) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a wall.
(4) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
(5) Families are like fudge – mostly sweet, with a few, hard nuts.
(6) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

 

Great truths about growing old:

(1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
(2) Forget health foods. You need all the preservatives and E-numbers you can get.
(3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
(4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
(5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
(6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
(7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

And, finally, Shakespeare often wrote about success – of kings and lesser mortals – but, were he still alive today, I’m positive even he couldn’t have put it any better than this:

Success:

At age 3, success is . . .  not wetting your pants.

At age 12, success is . . . having friends.

At age 17, success is . . . having a driver’s licence.

At age 35, success is . . . having money.

At age 50, success is . . . having money.

At age 70, success is . . . having a driver’s licence.

At age 75, success is . . . having friends.

At age 80, success is . . . not wetting your pants.

 

Nora Johnson’s novel, The De Clerambault Code (www.nora-johnson.com) available at Amazon. Profits to Cudeca

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