How to survive the Clameron cuts: being ultra PC is the key!

WITH swingeing, deficit-busting cuts proposed right across Britain, is nothing safe from the Clameron coalition’s current scorched earth policy? What’s next on its hit list? HP sauce? Marmite? Our ‘national treasures’? David Attenborough and Michael Palin will doubtlessly survive the inevitable cull but Michael Winner or Jo Brand? Nope. Not politically correct enough, you see.

And what about other bits of our heritage like nursery rhymes and especially fairy tales? They won’t survive either in their current form. Not unless, that is, they can prove they’re ultra PC…

Like, for instance, Little Red Riding Hood (LRRH to her co-workers) who, you’ll recall, lives with her homemaker mother near a wood full of protected plants. One day, her mother asks her to take some organically-grown fruit to Grandma.

LRRH: “Aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me like this?” “No,” Mother replies. “It’s impossible for women to oppress each other since all women are equally oppressed until all women are free.” “Well, shouldn’t my brother take the fruit since he’s the oppressor and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?” “Oh, he’s away on an animal rights rally.”

LRRH: “But won’t I be oppressing Grandma by implying she’s economically marginalized?” “No way!” retorts Mother. “In a truly classless society all marginalized peoples can ‘come out’ and be accepted as valid, lifestyle role-models.”

On her way to Grandma’s, LRRH is challenged by the Wolf. Her teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers but, with her high SAT scores, she replies confidently. “I’m taking Grandma some healthful snacks as a gesture of solidarity.”

“You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl alone in these woods.” LRRH replies angrily: “Your sexist remark is extremely offensive but I’ll ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society!”

Meanwhile the Wolf rushes ahead, eats Grandma and, unhampered by traditionalist gender roles, dons Grandma’s nightclothes and awaits LRRH. “Grandma, here are some cruelty-free snacks and some GM flowers too!” The Wolf replies softly: “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.” “Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!” “You forget, child, I’m optically challenged…”

At that moment, a Woodchopper rushes in with an axe and decapitates LRRH. “Hands off that endangered species, sister! This is a RSPCA sting!”

“Thank God you arrived in time,” gasps the Wolf. “That brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.”

“No, I’m the real victim here,” replies the Woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?”

“Sure! And how I feel your pain!” replies the Wolf with a belch. “But do you have any Alkaseltzer?”

Breaking Views By Nora Johnson

Nora Johnson’s novel, The De Clerambault Code (www.nora-johnson.com) available at Amazon. Profits to Cudeca