LAST week, I wrote about Boomerang Kids and you may recall that Lord Mandelson recently published a guide, ‘Parent Motivators’, aimed at helping parents to shift children who have moved back to the family home after graduating. Though some may find this a bit rich coming from the Boomerang Minister-in-Chief – he has returned to the Cabinet more times than any other – and confirmed bachelor.
In fact, many saw this guide as an example of the Nanny State at its most patronising and absurd. But I don’t agree. The Government spends a lot of taxpayers’ money and time drawing up this guidance which is aimed at our very best interests. Of that I am in no doubt. That’s why I take every pronouncement most seriously and follow every piece of advice most scrupulously. Which I’m happy now to pass on to you…
Always make sure you eat six, or maybe seven…or is it eight… no wait,…five pieces of fruit and vegetables each day. Don’t smoke, ever. Report everyone who even smokes within a mile of you. Sometimes just coughing extravagantly and waving your hands about works to deter the offender; but don’t take risks. Never use a ladder or other dangerous piece of equipment, for instance, unless you are accompanied by two others, one to hold it, the other to supervise. Never, ever drink more than one small glass of low-alcohol wine a day. Keep your coffee intake under two cups a day. Hang on,… make that one cup a day, just to be totally safe. Visit government-funded health advice sites every day to keep up with the latest guidance, and be sure to follow it to the letter. Be extremely careful when making ‘jokes’. It is very likely that you will offend someone, and this could be dangerous both for you and society at large. If in doubt, seek advice from the government-sponsored website “It’s healthy to laugh, but not at others”. Ensure you buy an ID card as soon as they’re issued – it’s so easy to lose your identity. And, finally, do avoid ending up with a criminal record.
Like, for instance, the Cheshire man charged with being “in possession of an egg with intent to throw”. Or the two Manchester children arrested under firearms laws for being “in possession of a plastic toy pistol”. Or the Kent child arrested for assault for throwing at another child “a piece of cucumber”.
Personally, I doubt that any of this will change with a different Government at Westminster. And to be fair, the Government insults and patronises every generation. It’s only just got around to insulting and patronising specifically 20-somethings now.