And they all lived miserably ever after?

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NORMAL fairytales leave off when the princess kisses the frog, changes it into a prince and they all live happily ever after. But not every fairytale ends quite so happily…

NORMAL fairytales leave off when the princess kisses the frog, changes it into a prince and they all live happily ever after. But not every fairytale ends quite so happily…

Take, for instance, Cinderella. I know, I know. You’ve heard the story a million times before. Mean stepmother. Lots of sweeping. Fancy ball. You remember. Or do you? Do you know what happens after she gets engaged to the man of her dreams? It’s ‘happy ever after’ time, right? Wrong! Life for her becomes an endless round of public duties; even worse, Prince Charming turns into Prince Boring she discovers snorting coke in bed with a string of male courtiers.

And Sleeping Beauty. A spiteful fairy. A beautiful princess. An outstretched finger. A spindle. A hundred-year snooze. A charming prince. A kiss. All the familiar ingredients. But wait! No sooner did she awake than the princess caught swine flu fever from the kiss and died. As for the prince, he shacked up with one of the fairies.

After a lifetime of drink and prescription drugs, Pinnochio, a former child pop star now in his early fifties still has serious body image issues particularly concerning his nose which he’s had “work” on by successive plastic surgeons. Recently in rehab fighting his demons, he finally emerged telling the press he felt stronger than ever and was planning a new album of raunchy soul cover versions with a cool, young producer a fraction his age.

Noddy, by turns became a junkie, rent boy and drag queen. Now he’s an MP. Big Ears, formerly also a politician, is now a globe-trotting, multi-millionaire public speaker with a Messiah complex married to a barrister and wannabe Dancing on Ice contestant.

King Midas ended up as a dentist so he could give his patients gold fillings, Jack of Beanstalk fame supplies genetically modified beans to Tesco while Hansel and Gretel ran away to join a religious cult where no one knows they’re brother and sister. But then, everyone there sleeps around.

Meanwhile, Snow “Dave” White’s wedding is fast approaching, but Lord Meddlesome, the brother of evil King Gordon, plans to stop it. So Snow White is teaming up with the spaghetti-western Dwarf With No Name Cleggy. (Once a famous Hollywood star, he can be seen in his latest B-movie saving three little pigs from the big bad wolf by recruiting a Magnificent Seven Dwarves’ defence team, starting with Rumpelstiltskin and Tom Thumb but going downhill from there.)

But not every fairytale has that picture-perfect “Happy Ending” as we’ve noted. We’ll just have to wait and see…

By Nora Johnson

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