You always wonder what and how you will feel when you are faced with a professional who tells you your life is now going to change forever
It is fact you have cancer - however they title it you are now going to enter a battle without any army to assist you.
This is like a boxing match without the Queensbury Rules.
You are free falling.
Suddenly you have to have trust in a total stranger.
You enter a fog without any headlights.
Your are driving down the fast lane blindfolded with ear muffs on.
Then a force kicks in - anger - why me - why not one of the bastards out there who do not deserve to draw breath.
A child murderer.
A drug pusher to schoolchildren.
A terrorist without any compassion or respect for life.
Anyone but not me.
Then your bowels turn to water.
Suddenly a gushing desire to live descends upon you - you have to live for everything you hold dear to you - it is not a choice - it is a battle you need to win- not just for you but for;
Your lovely partner.
Your fantastic children.
The grandchildren you will never see grow up.
Your best friend falling in love.
Your loyal loving animals.
Your adorable parents who could not cope with the anguish.
Then you feel again this intense anger again that something not tangible is trying to take all this away from you.
You want to fight it you want it destroyed before it destroys you.
Then you get scared so scared your palms sweat your heart is going so fast you are convinced everyone can hear it - it is about to burst.
Everything and everyone flashes in front of your eyes - it is like watching a video on fast forward of your earliest memory until today.
Then you get angry at being so afraid.
Angry at the professional in front of you who is emotionless.
Angry at what could have caused it: drinking, smoking, eating bacon, dieting, stress, too much work, not enough exercise. Ignorance perhaps.
Then you are angry at yourself because you haven't got the answers.
Angry at God.
Angry at being weak and vulnerable.
Then you lose all of your energy - you are like a newborn kitten.
You just want to drift into a safe sleep where nothing or no one can hurt you.
Then you jolt awake.
How painful will it be.
Will I be strong enough to fight this battle.
Real fear runs through your body.
Fear like you could never imagine.
Your dignity is no longer yours, it belongs to the big C.
To Charlie.
To the demons invading your body.
Life will never be the same again from this nano second onwards.
And you are right everything is going to change.
But some of the changes are good.
They are going to make you happier than before.
I am tired now and so are you reading this.
But we can go to sleep with HOPE.
Because that is what every hour now brings hope and we have to cling to that it is our life raft.
It will save us at least from the anger and the fear.
Goodnight and do not panic at two or three in the morning you are not alone.
We will tomorrow talk about positives especially memories, because we are warriors and we will win the tomorrow's battle and with all of our energy we can win the future war
But it is one day at a time.
Live for today and fight for tomorrow.
We are not alone - we are one in three.
So although not everyone can win.
We will.
